How to Mess Up Your Children for Life

 

OMG, they're lovely. (And I don't mean that in a weird way!)

Originally, I intended to title this article 'How to Properly Raise Your Children' or something. But, let's face it, how many people would read an article with that title?

So, instead of telling you what NOT to do if you wish to successfully raise useful members of society, I'll tell you what to do if you wish to raise demented deadbeats. Essentially, it's the same article in both cases, except it's told in different ways. Because it's not only about what you say but also about how you say it!

Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Hey, who do you think you are? If we want advice on that matter, we will address experts, real experts, not someone like you.'

Well, do you want to know what makes me more knowledgeable than any 'expert' about that matter?

No, we don't.

Shut up, I'm gonna tell you anyway!

The fact that I had a pretty messed up childhood. I genuinely believe that all that stuff I went through as a child render me more qualified than any college degree possessor to talk to you about kids.

So, here we go...

1. Spank them.
Spanking is an extremely effective way of disciplining your children. Sure there are many other ways you could show them their mistakes, except those ways require... you know... actual effort on your part. So why bother? I mean, when I was a child, every time my father or mother spanked me, I felt awful. I felt angry that I could not hit him or her back, I would sit in my room for hours after being spanked and boil with anger. Moreover, I felt awful that I had to live with the person who had spanked me, to see his or her mug every day. But who cares if your child feels the same way? Your child's well being in the long run is a small price to pay as long as the kiddo shuts up so that you can chill out in front of the tv.

2. Make them feel ashamed of their nude body.
I have been jacking off for as long as I can remember. I don't remember the first time I did it, I have no idea how it occurred to me in the first place. What I remember, though, is that, in my childhood, I felt terribly ashamed every time I touched myself. All my childhood, I tried to quit that habit. Predictably, I failed, but still, I spent all my childhood feeling shame and remorse for something totally natural! It's not that anyone had ever outright told me that it is wrong to do this. But when people around a child have implanted in its mind the notion that there is shame in being seen nude, that anything genitalia related is bad, how do you expect that child to feel? Of course, as an adult, I got over that bullshit. Nowadays, I don't feel the slightest shame. I even chill out on the terrace, nude, in hot summer nights. However, the childhood that I missed because of that bullshit is not coming back!

3. Also make sure they'll be ashamed of their feelings as well.
Be sure to mock them by mimicking their crying. True, when your spouse or a friend of yours or a colleague of yours has an emotional outburst, you are as supportive and compassionate as you can be. I mean, adults have the right to express their feelings, to suffer nervous breakdowns, to have moments of weakness in general. After all, we're only humans. Right? Well, this rule does not apply to children. Always disregard their anger as childish behaviour that needs to be punished. And this is where Rule 1 comes into play anew!

4. Pretend you abandon them.
Picture this scene. It's time to leave the playground, but your kid wants to stay longer. It's so easy to just grasp its arm or even lift its little body and go home. But why do that when you can play the 'Okay, I'm leaving without you' game for half an hour or so, thus giving an ordeal both to you and to the child? The child may, albeit subconsciously, come to believe in its innocent mind that you don't give a fuck about it, that you're ready to abandon it without second thought if that is in your best interest, that it cannot trust you and ask for your help if it gets into trouble in the future. Be careful not to pause to think about the above. Not even for a second! The 'Bye, kiddo, I'm forsaking you' practice is something each and every parent does, therefore it can only be the correct approach. Go for it!

5. Delegate your duty as a parent to someone else, preferably the police.
Threaten your child that some unspecified policeman will show up and arrest it if it does not behave. Indirectly admit your incompetence as a parent this way. Don't be shy. One parent even threatened to send their kid to school if it didn't behave! Use anything that works for you.

6. Compare them to other children.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Likewise, other people's children are always better than ours in our eyes. Never forget to remind your child of this every day. This worked especially well with my sister. My parents have always compared her to other children, including me. You see, back then, I was an excellent student and my parents still believed I would become somebody in my life. This caused my sis some mild psychological problems. Thankfully, we get along... well, aside from the fact that, one time a few years ago, she picked up a stool and repeatedly struck me with it for quite a while (it was a miracle I didn't break anything that day) and we haven't talked again ever since. But in other respects, we get along!

7. Force them to accept kisses and touches from grandparents and other relatives. 
No matter how uncomfortable or frustrated or disgusted they may feel, children must always let those people touch them in any way you deem acceptable. It's a matter of politeness!

And now, in all seriousness, before I end this article, I feel the need to mention that, back when I chatted on the Babycenter forum, I opened several threads where I talked against many of the practices above. All so called moms on the forum disagreed, mocked me and told me to mind my own business. Eventually, they banned me for 'disrupting the community'.

Till next time, don't forget to become my patrons by buying my novels on Amazon (author page HERE).

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See you next time!