ATTENTION! This is not the latest post on the blog. It is just the introductory post and I change its date so that it remains at the top.
Essentially, this post is a presentation of all novels I have written so far. Needless to say I will update it every time I write a new novel.
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| Not the encyclopedia I'm talking about, but still, it's a beautiful picture. |
The article below is one about masturbation and was written in 1927 as part of an encyclopedia. Although I don't own the original 1927 version of that encyclopedia but rather the 1961 reprint, it's still the same article.
I'm not kidding, fellows. This is neither a parody nor an attempt to troll you! I swear I have translated the article you are about to read below into English as accurately as I could. This is what they believed about jacking off less than 100 years ago!
Onanism: Disastrous habit practiced mainly by kids and young adults of both genders and aimed at satisfying sexual urges with the help of means mechanical (hands, tools) or mental (imagination).
Onanism is really widespread and its victims number among all social classes and ages. Researches of prestigious paediatricians have proven that it is not unusual during the first years of life either. Usually, this passion begins somewhere during the ages of 12-14, though most victims are numbered among ages 14-18. A noteworthy fact is that onanism is more widespread among males than females.
Once upon a time, in a kingdom, a peasant had a bet with a friend.
'Wanna bet I can fuck the Princess?' he asks.
'Okay, it's a bet,' his friend says.
The peasant goes to apply for a job as a servant in the palace.
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| OMG, they're lovely. (And I don't mean that in a weird way!) |
Originally, I intended to title this article 'How to Properly Raise Your
Children' or something. But, let's face it, how many people would read
an article with that title?
So, instead of telling you what NOT to do if you wish to successfully
raise useful members of society, I'll tell you what to do if you wish to raise
demented deadbeats. Essentially, it's the same article in both cases,
except it's told in different ways. Because it's not only about what you
say but also about how you say it!
Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Hey, who do you think you are? If we
want advice on that matter, we will address experts, real experts, not
someone like you.'
Well, do you want to know what makes me more knowledgeable than any 'expert' about that matter?
No, we don't.
Shut up, I'm gonna tell you anyway!
The fact that I had a pretty messed up childhood. I genuinely believe
that all that stuff I went through as a child render me more qualified
than any college degree possessor to talk to you about kids.
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| Believe it or not, mankind has created even more useless things than this. |
There are inventions/discoveries that have contributed a lot to humanity. Such as condoms, toilet paper and crisped rice chocolate.
What about fire and the wheel?
Oh, yeah, those too, though not as much as condoms, toilet paper and crisped rice chocolate.
Also,
there are inventions that have contributed absolutely nothing. Zero.
Nihil. Zippo. I could continue producing synonyms, but I guess you get
the point.
In fact, not only do they contribute nothing but
also they make your life harder. Sometimes, they make your life so hard
that they cause you the desire to torment their inventors with the pear
of anguish (medieval instrument of torture).
And yet! For some reason, those inventions are widely used and the guys who conceived the ideas are millionaires! Coincidentally, you will meet most of those inventions at malls.
Let us see the worst inventions in the history of mankind.
Remember my post about the Quran? (If you don't remember, HERE it is.)
So, a while ago, I decided that, for the sake of fair play and objectivity, I should do something similar about the Holy Book of Christians as well: the Bible.
And so, I started reading it. I started out with the New Testament. I read the whole Gospel of Matthew and a part of the Gospel of Mark. Then I stopped.
I apologize. I know that, to be impartial, just as I read the entire Quran, I had to read the entire Bible as well. But I couldn't. It was so bad that I just couldn't.
Why?
LAST TIME, I taught you how to write a Disney movie. I guess that you followed my advice and, by now, you are filthily rich. If, however, you want to become even richer, here is a guide on how to write the next hit Japanese animated series.
1. Select a disgustingly overused and unoriginal theme which is a total cliche. Some good examples are: -School of magic. -Werewolves. -Vampires. -Card games threatening to unleash a force that will destroy the world. -Giant monsters that, for some reason, obey humans who make them battle one another because they are incels who have nothing better to do with their lives.
2. Have a group of teenagers practice the aforementioned theme in an otherwise normal, high school environment full of teenage drama. The aforementioned group must include at least one character from each of the following categories:
-Oblivious Gary Stu: The main character of the show. An arguably handsome boy. Always well mannered and, in a sense, in the clouds. All female characters of the show have a crush on him. Also, all female characters of the show, except the Robotic Bitch (see below), are ready to give it to him, anytime, anywhere. They keep sexually provoking him all the time, in any way they can. However, the Oblivious Gary Stu pays no attention to them, because he is too preoccupied with stuff such as love, friendship, his destiny, the fate of the world, in short, anything other than what any normal boy his age thinks about all the time: poon.
