How to Write the Next Successful Disney Movie (It Works Every Time!)

 

 

WARNING: This guide worked better in the 30s-90s, but it still works sometimes; just don't hold me responsible if something goes wrong!

1. Select the story that someone else wrote, be it a fairytale or a book or an ancient legend or whatever. This will save you the trouble of coming up with something original by yourself. Just make sure the writer of the aforementioned story is either unknown (ancient legends) or at least dead (books, fairytales), so that they won't be able to sue you afterward (for good measure, make sure they've been dead for a really long time!) 

2. Cut that story into 1000 tiny pieces and reconstruct it in such a way so that no one can recognize it; in such a way so that even its original creator would have a really hard time recognizing it and, even if they did recognize it, they'd most likely be like, 'WTF have you done with my baby?'

3. To save even more trouble (see Step 1), include at least 5-6 songs, about 5 minutes long each; this will considerably reduce the time when anything worth noting is going on in the story, so you have even less plot to write and, therefore, even less work to do (you're welcome!) The songs begin at random points during the movie, with a character starting singing out of the blue, then everyone else around following their lead and dancing for no apparent reason, with the surroundings warping as if everybody is on LSD. After every song, the characters will go back to action, with no one commenting that anything close to being classified as peculiar happened.

4. Include at least one boy and one girl (both of them aged 15-25), preferably ones that hate each other's guts in the beginning but eventually come to get along. IMPORTANT NOTE: The relationship between the two aforementioned characters must always evolve into a love story. Even if everybody and their momma in the audience can see that there is not an ounce of romantic chemistry between those two and that they would be better off as friends, at the end of the movie (see Step 9 below), they must always kiss, albeit out of the blue. The only exception to this rule is when the boy is horribly ugly (cough... Quasimodo... cough), in which case, the boy and the girl can remain friends indeed.

5. Include at least one character that absolutely despises shoes for no apparent reason. If that character also uses their feet as hands, in manners that freak everybody out, it is a pleasant bonus.

6. Include at least one villain. The aforementioned villain must have an unhuman complexion and creepy eyes, display fetishes for weird items, which they always carry around, even when they have absolutely no reason to... in short, they have to make it pretty clear to the audience that they're a total nutjob. 

7. Despite what we said in Step 6, at the beginning of the movie, no other character in the story, not even the supposedly smartest ones, must suspect that anything is even remotely wrong with the villain; in fact, at the beginning of the movie, everyone must regard the villain as the next best thing after Mother Teresa and be willing to trust them with their lives anytime.

8. Towards the end of the movie, the villain must die after a long and hard battle with the hero. The battle must take place preferably amid some mass turmoil (blazes, thunders and rain are pleasant bonuses) and the villain must die in some violent way, preferably by falling off a cliff (trust me, that never gets old).

9. The movie ends with the couple from Step 4 living happily ever after. And so, you, too, can live happily ever after, since you have just created the next hit Disney movie. You're rich, yay! Now you can either enjoy your vacation on some exotic island or prepare the sequel of your movie, which, as is the case with any Disney movie sequel, will miraculously manage to be even worse than the original one.

And if you think you're not rich enough yet, next time, I'll tell you how to write the next hit Japanese anime series! 😉

Now, if you want me to live happily ever after as well, all you have to do is go to my Amazon author page HERE and buy my novels.

Also, don't forget to advertise my novels/blog posts on social media.

See you next time!